Flowing Through the Autumn Breeze

Dragonflies have long been my touchstone in nature for gauging what's going on in my brain.  This time of year they seem to have gotten a second wind, just as their summer reign simmers to a close there has been a flourishing of dragonflies to greet the sunrises and sunsets.

On my morning walk today there were no signs of the dragonflies.  A welcome early fall breeze reminded me of the constant movement of things - of everything.  Wasn't it only a second ago that spring was in full bloom and I was ready to burst into the passion of summer?

Movement with all it's go, go, go serves an important place in the diaspora of life on this earth.  I walked up a steady, half-mile slope to the top of the hill. It was a slow burn - especially for someone who hasn't been engaging lately in all the joy that walking up this hill has to offer.   I practiced my circular breathing, waved my hands to keep the circulation in my arms flowing, remembered to thank the sun, the beautiful moon, the incredible blue sky, and the trees.

The trees.  The cottonwoods edged the road all along my walk.  Their leaves shimmered like hands clapping, or a cheerleader's pom-poms beating together to the rhythm of enthusiastic chant designed to inspire me. With their help I continued up that incline walking faster and faster, feeling it in my feet, my legs, even my shoulders.

I thanked them, each and every one for their ability to motivate me and also for their service to nature as such magnificent beings.  Their presence connected me in an instant to a moment in time merely a month ago in Abiquiui, NM where a grove of Cottonwoods along the Chama river welcomed me into their magical world at sunrise.  Cottonwoods, alamosas (remember the Alamo?) are the grande dames of the tree world in the southwest.   Their presence speaks volumes without saying much of anything at all.

On the way back down that hill I reflected on the turning inward that is being requested of all of nature in this season of Autumn.  I sometimes find that familiar old dribble in my mind creeping in to tell me I need to do more meditation, sit, be still.  When I caught those mental monkeys this morning trying to convince me I wasn't in the "right" place or doing the "right" thing I quickly acknowledged the importance of balance. 

My heart opens a little wider with gratitude each time I consider the simplicity of nature. I stood at the gate at the end of my walk reflecting on the idea that flow is about constant movement - the yin and the yang, the ebb and the flow.  Then I heard a voice say, "When it's time to sit in meditation, it's time to sit.  When it's time to walk up that hill, it's time to walk.  Constant movement, constant flow."  I look up to see the first dragonfly of the day.  One, only one, hoovering in the vibrant leaves of the cottonwood tree.

Sweet Mother of Jesus

I am often amazed at the capacity of my heart for forgiveness and rejuvenation. Having attended my brother and sister-in-law's wonderfully original and beautifully crafted wedding this weekend I was reminded that I don't have to DO anything or SAY anything to experience love and support. It's as easy as acknowledging that those elements are there - in the moment.

At first I questioned myself, "Was I doing enough? Did I bring the right things?" A piece of me wanted to do more for them. Yet as I looked around and stood at the precipice that overlooked mountains in Arizona, Utah, and Colorado I realized that the best I could do is to be at peace in my heart.

This simple act is the ART of BEING. It's the act that for centuries has been regarded as feminine in a derogatory sense of the word; regarded as weak and passive.  The art of being is back in vogue after centuries of oppression. The conundrum is that BEING - taking it all in, receiving, and the recognition that what seems like fear is most probably an urge to feel vulnerable - takes a lot more courage than the act of doing. (Brilliant quote by timeless master of your choice to be placed here.)

Forgiveness. Such a hard term to grasp because it involves my relationship with grace, nothing more - no one, no thing - just me and grace. Then I must sit with it - with silence in my heart. The rejuvenation it continues to bring is timeless and measureless. Just like the love that flowed from the top of the mountain overlook this past weekend deep in the four corners area of Colorado.

Three Little Things that Heighten Awareness

Summer, although pretty much over, has been a great opportunity for me to focus on staying alert.  Here are three questions I have conditioned myself to ask this summer:

1. WHERE IS THE SNAKE?
There's a rat snake living in our hen house.  The snake and our chicken have developed a symbiotic relationship - nodding at each other as they pass the water trough. The snake eats the mice thus balancing the mice population and keeping the hen scratch in check.  The snake also eats a few of the chicken eggs a week, a small pay-off for keeping the mice out of the garden and everywhere else.

All this is well and good. What gets me is how I usually walk in to check the water, hay, and feed. It's usually done without even thinking about it.  Usually, my mind is elsewhere - focusing on the future - what do I need to do later? where I need to go? have I done everything I'm supposed to do? etc...

Since the snake moved in, I catch myself as I open the door and do a quick check-in - where am I? Where is the snake? If I don't see the snake before I go in, I am extra careful.  I can feel my breath move through my body thus sensing any subtle movements more clearly that occur within the hen house.

Where is the snake? It is a common question that has often been referred to when considering people who are less than honest or loyal (e.g., "He's such a snake!) and looking out for those types of people and being wary of them.  This time the question refers to not what is "out there."  Instead, it's within me.  Going into the hen house now I am aware of a shift in my consciousness not only focusing my mind on being aware but also feeling my whole body being alert.

In yoga there is a reference to what you learn "on the mat" and how to bring your experience "on the mat" to other areas of your life.  For me the hen house is the same as the mat. When I'm in the hen house I remember how alert I can be when I want to be.  I see my work as strengthening that alertness to occur in all facets and all moments of my life.

HOW HOT IS THE WATER?
 The same idea can apply to this scenario.  The river is a wonderful place to be this time of year until about noon.  Then it can be warm, very warm, even uncomfortably warm.  Dare I say -- hot tub warm -- which isn't a bad thing, unless it's 109 degrees and you're looking for relief. It's also the time of year and the right temperature for all the snakes that love the water. Thus in this scenario I also refer to question #1.  (That's really not a problem. Dogs are very good at chasing snakes away.)

IS THERE ENOUGH ICE?
With 25 days in a row of well over 100 degree temperatures, ice has become the great equalizer.  Ice brings everything back into balance on super-hot days. It makes me feel supported, even loved. Ice. Nourishing and nutritious, it shifts the physical body into neutral when the skin is pink, the hair is wet, and the breath is short - especially when I'm running from the snake!

The New Conventional Femininity

“When she stopped conforming to the conventional picture of femininity she finally began to enjoy being a woman." -- Betty Friedan


I wanted no part in it.  My whole life I wanted nothing to do with the trappings of being conventional -- I shunned conformism, creature comforts, and practicality for a gypsy life of travel and solitude well into my twenties.  Then I found true love with Jimmy and through the twin sisters of fate and destiny we landed a beautiful baby girl into our laps.  I still would not give in to the traditional convention of family life.  I would not allow myself to get comfortable with the idea that being a wife and mother could in and of themselves bring me joy.  So what happened?  Why now? Why do I feel content and full in these rolls to the point of wanting to do them really well, to the point of being invested in them 100%?  The answer lies in how my view of myself has changed over the past decade.



I have noticed lately a deep rumbling in my being to experience - well the only way I can describe it is -- a deeper connection to the fabric of my family, and my home.  That is, basking in the beingness of my role as wife and mother. I spent years running away from  what I thought "wife" and "mother" meant, the conventional rolls I thought they would force me to play.  It scared me, frankly.


When I look back at my personal history and connect the dots, almost everything scared me.  I was skeptical of anything and everything.  I know that my negative and fearful attitude created the conditions for cancer to thrive in my body, in my second chakra, in the place of: life, beginnings, relationships, money, stepping out into the world with others.  Getting cancer was the trigger that showed me that I had to shift out of my negative place of being yet I had no idea how to do so.  One of my biggest awakenings occurred when I realized that the negative and fearful way I felt about having a conventional life -- marriage, kids, family -- translated to other areas of my life.  Negative and fearful was the thread that ran through most of my thoughts.  Skepticism lay like a smoky haze at the root of my being.


It's more than just a mellowing with age that has happened here.  My faith in myself grew with the planting of my dreams.  With every step toward a dream I noticed those voices got louder and stronger NOT in my favor.  For many years I put off getting my training in the healing arts, "now is not the time, your not ready," said the skeptical voice. When we found the ranch, the first thought that popped into my head was, "don't get any big ideas here that you can't fulfill."  It was a constant negative influx of words, thoughts, and feelings feeding my brain like a drug dealer pushing crack.

"WOW!" I realized.  That skepticism and negativity doesn't only show up in my relationships with others, it's that way with me too!"  What an eye opener.  That's when I stopped identifying with them.  "What a relief" I thought. "That's not me.  Those are only feelings that I'm identifying with -- as me."

Now I can begin to mellow.  I'm no longer frozen in paralysis when the dragons of fear and skepticism show up for a fight.  I'm getting better at noticing what triggers the fears that come up around how I'm running my business and how I'm caring for my family as a wife and a mother.  I'm learning how to manage them rather than feed them.  My identification with my conventional rolls no longer scare me, I welcome them with open arms. My femininity no longer carries the trappings of the past, it expands with the beginning of each new day.

Embracing Vulnerability

The state of being vulnerable is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, "Open to the attacks of a non-physical nature." Vulnerability is something that society tells us is weak, I mean, who wants to be open to attack? Isn't it better to be prepared for battle with our armor on? Herein lies the conundrum of vulnerability - with our armor ON, those not so wonderful feelings of fear, anger, sadness, anxiety, worry, dread, distrust, etc. get to feed off of us and live a Bacchanalian existence in our being.

Vulnerability is the key to freedom in love. Vulnerability requires that we not take our physical nature too seriously. That means a healthy dose of time spent as the observer of our own experience rather than the sole identity of it. It's the old, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." It's being immune to the verbal and other kinds of nonphysical  attacks from others by remembering that we create our existence, we create every single experience that we have and through choice we can choose to create a different experience and a different reaction simply by changing our perspective.

Embracing vulnerability lies in choosing those things that support us and that feed us as individuals. This requires the awareness of what we are allowing to seep into our being, rather than just letting it all seep in and then trying to categorize it all into various compartments after the fact.

So today, as the moon obscures the sun in a total eclipse, take note: what is it that is obscuring you? What armor - the memories and beliefs from the past - are eclipsing your heart and obscuring you from seeing the full light of your being?

Open to your vulnerabilities. Stand in their strength and you will know the power of love.

Belize Memories - Senora Choc

Your wide smile lights up the darkness inside your one-room kitchen. How do you cook in there? How do you cut with a knife? Fry chicken? Thread the needle into the fabric of your family with your food in that dark space?

Sra. Choc, if I could see with those deep Maya eyes would I see a man I love drinking his life away? Or would I turn a blind eye and focus on those things that bring me joy?  Sra. Choc, your beautiful eyes and bright smile lend you a faint youthfulness as your children grow.

Could your secret be found in the dark. In your kitchen?

Belize Memories - Tika II

I recently returned from a trip to Belize with my father. We traveled into the jungle, working for a few days at the archaeology site where I did my Master's research. Then to the reef for tarpon fishing. I was dad's host in the jungle. He was mine in the Caribbean waters near Placencia that are so familiar to him as a flyfisherman. Here is an essay from that trip:

Here kitty! Kitty!

I stare at you through the chain-link fence that separates us. I call to you as I would call a tame, domestic kitty cat. Your deep green jaguar eyes stare right through me. A voice speaks from a distance. Your soft golden ears perk up as you stare in the direction of the sound. Is this the voice of the one that feeds you? Because many other voices buzz all around and you give them no attention.

Your focus, sharp and stealth is my envy. Teach me your instinctual secret. I ask this of you though not out loud. I ask your permission from a place where you and I are one -- where our minds meet.

When you jumped down from the hollow log where you had been napping and ran toward me I should not have been so surprised.  I think of more silent questions to ask: Did you really hear me? Did you jump down to answer me? I searched the moment for a clue.

This time you stared me straight in the eye. And when you rolled over on your back as if you wanted to play I knew I had been taking myself too seriously.